Wednesday, September 28, 2011

5 months post

Gonna make this one a short one but I can't believe it's been 5 months!  Down 66 lbs so that it pretty effin awesome!  I feel really good.  I am so thankful for this band not only for helping me with my health but because of it I have met some pretty kick ass people.

I was asked write for a website called Truth In Change ( Click here to visit truth in change )  It is a weight loss and wellness website designed and created by James Garrison from Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition.  Very kick ass guy.  Find him on FB!

Anyway got another fill yesterday so I am now at 6.5ccs although I'm really not sure I got a full cc last appointment so who knows.  Feeling like I'm getting close to my sweet spot so that will be a good thing.  Anyway I will write again soon I've just been crazy busy with some things.  Till next time...

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Uneven Bars

Do you remember the first time you quit something?  Doesn't matter what the reason behind it was, do you remember?  I do.  

My first real recollection of quitting was when I was about 7 years old.  My entire life I would always strive to be the best at things, even as a little kid.  I have always had a very competitive personality.  I don't like to lose, but really who does?  

I started taking gymnastics when I was 5 or 6.  I was in an intermediate class and after a few months the coaches decided that they wanted to move me into an advanced class.  I was in my glory!  That meant I was going above and beyond and THAT was the ultimate goal.  I was still one of the best in my class and I was now with kids 10 and older.  

I was in this class for about 2 months and then one day the coaches said "Today we are doing the uneven bars."  Fear struck me like I was electrocuted.  Tumbling and beams, horses and rings?  No problem, but the thought of the uneven bars had me paralyzed.  Now in my own free time I use to play around on the uneven bars with no problem, and frankly I was fairly good at it but when the thought "I may not be the best at this" came into my mind I was horror struck.  I ran to the locker room, called my mom to come pick me up and never went back.

I have realized that many times in my life I have come across a lot of uneven bar moments.  I let the fear of not being the best at something consume me.  It's weird to think like that. Just because you aren't "the best" doesn't mean that you were a failure.  Since starting this weight loss journey this has really hit home for me and changed.  I have come to terms with the fact that although I may not be the best over all I have to live as the best ME possible.  It's hard to push past that mentality and I catch myself slipping a lot ( I mean hey this is all new to me lol) but instead of giving in, now I'm trying to push myself just a little bit harder.

I find myself at the gym saying "Can you go another 2 minutes....yes?" or "Ok, give me 5 more than last time....ok"  Most times I find myself going above and beyond what I'm asking of myself and in my book that's a personal win.  I have to stop worrying about what others see, or want from me and just be the best me possible.  It's time to take on the uneven bars of life head on.  Till next time....   

Friday, September 9, 2011

Things aren't always what they seem.

I use to think that losing weight was all about the number on the scale.  I've been through the whole counting calories, scheduled eating, planned meals, exercise, the whole nine yards.  I've tried numerous ways to lose weight but always focused on the number on the scale.  If that number didn't go down I would get depressed and I would give up.  Giving up just seemed easier than feeling like a failure.  Little did I know that giving up MADE me a failure.  I gave excuse after excuse but I had no one to blame but myself. The only explanation that still holds true in my heart today is I just wasn't ready to give it 100%.  

Fast forward to January 2011. (I know, I know, I started this blog saying I don't want to talk about anyone other than myself but I am going to make an exception due to the fact that this is one of the biggest reasons I decided to change my life.)  My best friend "B" went missing in action.  No phone calls, no emails, nothing.  Not completely unusual for him however I noticed that he wasn't posting anything new on his website.  That scared me only because that website is probably the most important thing in his life. B got in touch with me at the end of January and told me he had a wicked cold but he would call me when he was feeling better.  About a month went by and still no word from B.  Of course being the insecure person that I was I assumed I did something wrong that made him not want to talk to me.  On February 24, 2011 his nephew posted a note on his facebook page explaining what was going on with B.  This is a small piece of what had happened...

  After 5 years of being confined to the house, B's weight became more and more of an issue and though friends and I had urged him to get help he was bullheaded and wasnt "ready". About a month and a half ago B developed what he thought was just a common cold. For 3 weeks he fought the cold with every thing he could before deciding he needed real help and applied for Medicaid so he could treat whatever he had.  The local hospitals were hesitant to help because they didn't not have the proper facilities so he waited another week before he absolutely needed to go. Horton Hospital in Middletown took him in and determined he had a sever case of pneumonia and his body had turned toxic. If he had waited 2 more days he would not be with us today. They also found him to be anemic and that his thyroid was not working so they have to work on that.

I was very confused after reading this.  Although B and I were so close we didn't see each other.  We would talk on the phone and in chat but never hung out.  There were always "reasons" that we didn't.  

Anyway after reading this a thought popped into my head.  I could have potentially lost one of the most important people in my life.  Our weight issues were always something that we had in common with each other.  We discussed it but never got as specific as we could have.  The last time I had seen B he weighed around 450.  That was about 7 years prior.  On February 28th I received a text from B.  Simply said "The life I told you I was living was a lie.  I'm going to rehab to become human again.  Reality came."I spoke with him that night.  He took a big step by telling me that his weight got out of control.  He became house bound for 5 years.  He got up to 720 lbs.  He didn't want me to know so he purposely pushed me away.  It explained a lot.  He expected me not to be so accepting of what he was telling me but of course being in the situation I'm in with my weight I actually understood why he did it.  I didn't feel negativity towards his sudden bought of honesty.  In fact it made me appreciate him even more because it really gave me a lot to think about.

I didn't want to ever make anyone feel as terrible as I felt when I thought I could potentially have lost him forever.  I not only had to change for the people that loved and cared about me, but I had to do something so I would never end up in a similar situation.

February 29th I made and appointment for a consultation with my bariatric surgeon.  On March 1st I went for my first appointment and by April 15th I was on my way to becoming the new and improved Pam. 

The difference this time above any other time I tried to lose weight is I was READY to give it 100%.  No more bullshitting.  No more excuses.  It was now or never.  I also developed a new mentality.  I wasn't going to pay attention to the numbers so much.  I was going to look for those simple yet fulfilling NON SCALE VICTORIES.

Clothes fitting looser turned into clothes not fitting at all.  Avoiding taking out the garbage because it would leave me breathless turned into being more than willing to take out the garbage.  Being more social because I felt good about myself, wearing clothing that looked nice instead of just what fit, being able to give advice to someone about weight loss because now I'm not being a hypocrite.  These are all small but EXTREME victories in my book.  The numbers on the scale are nice (sometimes) but it's all about the positive feelings and experiences that come from changing your lifestyle.  I'm so glad that I learned this earlier.  It makes this change seem all the more worthwhile.  I know that I have a long way to go but I am so excited about the doors that this has opened for me so far.  I have met some truly positive and inspirational people, I've decided that I want to pay this experience forward in more ways than one and it has become apparent that I am meant to do something with the knowledge that I have acquired so far.  Stay strong, stay focused, and stay positive.  Till next time..... 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

So many things to do....

Have you ever had so much you want to accomplish but just don't feel you have the time.  Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now.  I have a lot of stuff coming up in the next year and I really want it to reflect in my weight loss.  For example I have a big birthday coming up in just 182 very short days.  The big 29+1 lol.  I would REALLY like to be down as much as possible before this date.  So here's the thing.... I am currently down 60 lbs.  I would ideally like to be down another 70 lbs by the time the big day rolls around.  182 days, 26 weeks, 6 months to lose another 70lbs.  Doable?  Yes, of course. 

Now for the bigger issue....November 24, 2012.  I have a destination wedding in Punta Cana!  Now if I follow through with my 70lb weight loss by March, that leaves me 8 months to lose an additional 100lbs.  Am I insane? Yes, of course.  Ok realistically I know that this goal is a little far fetched HOWEVER I am going to attempt the task at hand.  Granted I will be happy with however much I am actually down at this point but I would really love to sink my teeth into my goal(ish) weight. 

So here we are ladies and gentlemen, 170 lbs. of weightloss by November 24, 2012.  Yeah, that number makes me want to choke a bit too but I am going to give it all I've got.  The upside is being that I have so much weight to lose, there is a good chance that I will achieve my March goal.  Once I have reached my goal(ish) weight I can start looking into the skin removal surgery.  THAT is a major win in itself.  Only time will tell now.  Cross your fingers and wish me luck.  Gym time starts at 21:30hrs hahaha.  I'll let you guys all know how it goes YAY!  

Till then...

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

60 lbs in 4 months

So I went to the doctors today for my fluoroscopy and fill.  Ended up getting another 1.5ccs in my band which brings me to a total of 5.5ccs.  Didn't expect to lose anything this time around because I haven't been going to the gym and my food choices haven't been the greatest.  Not terrible but not great.  Portion control was still ok and really wasn't eating just to eat so I think that helped me. 

So after all my procedures we went back to his office and he weighed me.  I was pretty shocked to see that I actually did lose weight!  I am now at a grand total of 60lbs lost in 4 months.  That's pretty awesome.  I can't wait to see what happens when I really start kicking the gym thing into high gear.  Now I'm on liquids for the next 24 hours.  Lucky me lol. 

Anyway I have another appointment next month so I will update again then unless I find something else to blog about.

Til Then....

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


So since the end of June I have been in a serious battle with depression.  I had some very serious losses the last couple of months and they have definitely taken their toll on me.  Me eating habits have been shitty but at least I'm not gaining so I guess thats a sort of win for me.  I have also been having anxiety attacks like crazy.  I did see a doctor about this and they are doing what they can to help me.

I have been feeling very alone lately.  Kind of like my life isn't really my own.  I'm just living to exist.  I know I need to get out of this mind frame somehow I just need to figure out how I'm going to do it.  Anyway this is why I haven't bothered to post anything.  

I go for a fluoroscopy tomorrow and get another fill hopefully as long as nothing is wrong with my port.  I'll update again once I know what happens. 

Till Then....

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

3 Months Out

Ok so TECHNICALLY I still have 2 more days until I'm 3 months out but being I only update on Dr. visits I figure I better get this done.  So after my last fill I had a few rough days of trying to eat solids but eventually I went back to feeling pretty much the same way I was before.  I just seem to be getting stuck more often. I just have to remember less speed, more chewing lol.  

Anyway since my last fill I have been ridiculously stressed out from personal issues.  My uncle passed away, a week later one of the closest people to me basically waved the white flag on our friendship for a while. (That's a whole other story in itself but that's not for this blog) and now on 7/12 my "great grandmother" passed away.  Not an ideal situation for food choices.  Then of course there is the ever so wonderful "everyday run of the mill" stress.  So with all of this going on I have been on and off sick to my stomach.  Dr. Pucci says that stress can effect the band that way so I guess I won what was behind door #3.  

I have been really emotional this last month but I guess I can understand why.  This year so far has been such a roller coaster. Ups and downs and curves and loops......I don't know which way is up.  I've been going through a lot of stuff on the inside too.  Rethinking my outlook on things.

Ok enough about all that.  I didn't get another fill yet because he was having a really difficult time  getting the needle to go into the port so now I have to go for an xray next week and hopefully get my fill then.  I lost another 10.5 lbs which makes my total 53 lbs.  Not bad for 3 months especially being I haven't started the gym yet (hopefully Friday) and my food choices as good as I tried to make them weren't quite as good as they could have been.  

Well after my appointment next week I will blog again.  Till then.....